Don't change me

I really don’t like how I look. I never have. You try being a girl who’s short, pretty much flat chested, and pretty much has no body. No sex appeal. Nothing. Surrounded by a bunch of girls who are the complete opposite. Who have a body, who have sex appeal, who have everything a girl wants in herself. But all I have is a personality that a guy could like. That’s about it. You can tell me non-stop that I’m pretty, I’m beautiful, I’m whatever. But I’m sorry to say I’ll NEVER believe it. No matter who it’s coming from. Whether it be my best friend, my parents, my grandparents, my uncle, my dog, or even my boyfriend. I’ll refuse to believe it. Because when I look in the mirror… I can’t even look in the mirror at myself anymore. I take one look at my face and I turn away. I just can’t stand looking at myself.

I have to admit, I’m most likely anorexic. Except I don’t eat and then throw up. I just practically starve myself. I’ve been trying to stop, but it’s such a habit. If I eat too much, like all three meals of the day, then my body pretty much tells me “Don’t eat tomorrow. Only eat once tomorrow.” I don’t chose to do it consciously. I do these things unconsciously. And you would most likely believe I’m anorexic because if you look at a picture of me about 5-7 years ago I was a chubby child. But if you look at me now you’ll wonder what happened. I’ve had my family see me then call up my mom and ask her why I’m not eating. I don’t do it on purpose. I really don’t.

I never use to have someone on my back telling me to eat. I remember when I stopped wanting to eat breakfast, my grandpa actually got mad at me because I wouldn’t eat. I don’t really remember him forcing me to eat breakfast though, but I would just so that he wouldn’t notice anything. I remember when I wouldn’t eat my rice anymore and my dad would literally get a spoonful of rice and stuff it in my mouth and refused to let me leave until I ate it all. From that experience with my dad I learned to NEVER take a big bite out of anything anyone offers me. Which pisses off my mom.

I’m not going to say that I see myself as beautiful or pretty now, because I still don’t. But I do appreciate my boyfriend’s honesty when I tell him I hate how I look. He tells me that I may not have a body and that he doesn’t really like that I’m pretty much flat chested. I get sad at times when he tells me that, but it helps me to understand that I can’t change how I look. It scares me though thinking that another girl with a body could walk right by him and catch his attention, but knowing that he fell in love with my personality, semi reassures me. (Hey I said I was slowly accepting myself, not fully… so my insecurities still stand). But I appreciate his honesty. I’d rather him be honest than feed me lies. Honesty hurts but it’s worth the pain.

I also said that I never use to have anyone who would force me to eat. Well now I do. I use to starve myself in 8th grade, 9th, and 10th, and some of 11th. But there was always someone who forced me to eat. That would be my best friend Stephanie. Every time we would go out to eat or just be eating in her house, she’d always feed me… literally… she’d get a spoon or a fork and feed me a piece of meat or whatever was on her plate. And if I refused she told me she’d force the food into my mouth, so I’d give in and eat. And if there didn’t seem like there was enough food on my plate… she always put more sometimes -.- But now she’s not the only one making me eat more. I’m making more of an effort to eat more now because of my boyfriend. He seems to get sad every time I tell him I’m not eating much. And every time we go to eat out he always tries to make me eat his share… usually fails because I end up feeding him xP For example we’ve gone to the Queens Center Mall a couple of times and we ordered his favorite food. He would push more food onto my side of the container, but I would end up feeding him most of the food and he wouldn’t even notice >.<

He’s trying to help me. And that’s all that counts with me. He’s trying. And it doesn’t look like he’s giving up either. All the others pretty much gave up because I was being stubborn or weren’t trying hard enough.

I won’t let Stephanie’s or Cristian’s attempts go to waste. I’ll try my hardest to gain weight, but I’ll try not to look at a scale.

Another reason why I think I might be anorexic… Every time I see my weight or hear it… and it’s above 90 I want to stop eating.

So I just wanted to let everyone know that I have finally learned to accept myself. Truly accept myself. I may still deny you when you tell me I’m pretty or beautiful. But give me time and one day I’ll say it’s true.